To lost friends - wherever they are

Over the last several years, say about 10, I've spent a lot of time online. I've spent time in chat rooms and had some fun. When I got married, a lot of that petered out, as I concentrated on my relationship with the spousal unit. We are monogamous, neither of us believes you can be in a relationship and still fuck around. At least it wouldn't work for either of us. If you can make it work, more power to you.

However, over that span of years that I mentioned I had met many people that I think I could have been very good friends with in real life. I met (and slept) with some of them and we got along fantastically.

When I got married and started to pull away from my online, sex-site addicted life, many of these acquaintances pulled away or moved on. But not these four guys, at least at first.

I've been married for some time now and even these guys have gone the way of the dodo, well I'm still in contact with one.

So I'm reaching out via this space, though I doubt any of them read (or even know about it) but what the heck.

TH: You were such a good friend, and I thought we would be friends for a long, long time. I know that we had hoped to eventually connect in-person. When you were down I was the one you reached out to. When you were in crisis mode, the same. As you were the person I reach out to when I was in similar situations. When I thought the SU was stepping out on me, I immediately spoke to you for re-assurance, while I waited for the SU to come home. And then suddenly, one day you were just gone. Your profiles have all disappeared, my emails go unasnwered, you never appear in any of im tools we frequented. I would love to know that you are alright and that you are healthy. I recently came across your boyfriends profile online, and he now lists as newly single. So I guess that means you guys are done. Maybe I should email him, (would that be weird?) to find out what the heck happened to you.

KW: We got along famously, perving together all the porn sites, we shared a common taste in men. Yes you lived half the country away and I did invite you to my wedding. You didn't come though you had assured me you would. The SU liked you and we enjoyed chatting with you and catching up but you too just disappeared one day. I do see you online from time to time but you no longer respond to me.

JW: We should have been soul mates but we live in different countries, you're married with kids and you can't give them up for me. Nor would I ask you to. But when we met it was fireworks. The day we spent at Jonespond was pure bliss for me. I could have walked on clouds. But then I met someone local and fell in-love. I'm happy and monogamous, it's the choice I've made. I just will say that I miss my friend and I hope that you are happy. Because I'm committed to the SU, I can no longer promise the retirement linai in either Florida or Hawaii, sorry my dear one.

HB: You are perhaps the only one that knew about this blog, though neither of us have been regular posters for a while. We still are in touch and we say hey from time to time. I remember fondly the times we spent together when we could lounge around naked together. Let me know when you are driving through Toronto again, maybe we can have lunch, if you schedule allows.

To my four friends, I miss you guys and wish you were still in my life but life does move on and it seems that we all have done so. Perhaps we'll meet again some day. Perhaps not.

to blog or not to blog?

I don’t know why I want to try to keep this blog. My life is not that interesting. I don’t have a lot of friends. I stay pretty much to myself, spending time with my spousal unit (The SU) and family. When I’m not working that is.

I don’t drink heavily, if I have one or two drinks in a month, I’ve had a lot. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I’ve done both in the past but they just weren’t for me. Pot just made me sleepy – no relaxed mellow glow, no appetite spike for crappy snacky food, just sleep. Probably worked better than ambisol (or what ever that sleeping pill is called).

I’m boring.

There I’ve said.

Hi, my name is Don and I’m boring.

I am a gay man. I grew up not fitting into the straight world. I didn’t play sports, couldn’t relate to the hard partying drinking guys that I was exposed to. I always felt like an outsider. And I blamed it on being a closeted gay man. How could I fit in? I’m not like them. Their world has nothing for me.

I longed to “out” to be free to hang out in gay clubs, talk openly with my friends and family about my lovers and about who is cute. Paul Michael Glaser so knocked the socks off of David Soul. Everyone was swooning over him but Paul had it all. In the opening scenes flips of Starsky and Hutch when he climbed out of the pool all wet gave me teen wood. But could I discuss this with my friends that were mooning over the latest Farrah poster?

Nope.

I had a lover. We’d been sexual partners (never more than that – so fuck buddies I guess?) since I was 10 and he was 11. We were both too young by several years to know what we should be doing but we both knew it was what we wanted. We continued to see each other until I was 39 and he was 40. We never really ended, we just petered out. Our sessions together grew fewer and fewer and finally one day we just decided (on the phone) not to see each other anymore.

That’s it.

He was terrified to come out. He had slept with women in his teens and had two kids with his high school girlfriend. And he was worried he’d not be able to see them, if he came out. It made sense to me at the time. While we were still teenagers one of my friends, that knew about him and I as he had joined us for a few sessions, told his brother that T and I were lovers. His brother was best friends with my brother and dutifully told my brother. As a result T felt that if I came out, he would be outed by default. So I stayed closeted – for him.

Or at least I told myself that is why I stayed closeted. I think that that was part of it for sure, but not all of it. I think I was afraid of losing my family, my friends (not that I had that many).

After ending things with T, I decided to explore the gay life, to go to clubs. To make gay friends and to visit a bath house, to have wild wanton sex with men I’d just met.

Except I didn’t! Not at first, anyway.

Time went by, I had the internet, I had online porn. And memberships to different sites (Badpuppy and bedfellows) that got me through a lot. But I noticed that the tendency of these sites seemed to favour young shaved, clean cut twinky or muscle guys.

Remember above when I mentioned Paul Michael Glaser? That’s the type of guy I wanted to see naked and hard and these sites rarely had that. So I ended my memberships in them. I joined the sex sites such as Bear411, Men4SexNow, Adult Friend Finder (AFF), and its sister sites Alt and Outpersonals and a few others.

Yes I’m naming names.

I finally started having the wanton sex I’d always felt that as a gay man was part of my lifestyle.

You know what I found? I couldn’t perform all that well with people I’d just met. I needed to know them, to have a relationship with them. And most of the people on these sites are not looking for that, they’re looking for a quick fuck, a romp, a one-off and nothing more. On AFF, for instance, fully 95% of the men that contacted me were listed as “straight” and most married. I began to wonder if there was any such thing as straight.

I did meet people. I met some couples and had some great experiences and for a gay man, I find that eating pussy is an amazing turn on. Licking a pussy and sucking a cock that is fucking it, is incredibly hot. And even fucking a woman is a great turn on with or without her man involved.

So am I bi? Who knew? Like so many gay men, I believed that bi was stop on the journey to gay and not a destination. But could I be?

I met some great guys, some assholes and some great fucks, some not so great fucks. I met an English guy into leather and S&M as I thought I’d experiment with it. But he was so skinny, completely nelly and I couldn’t help but laugh. S&M is not for me, as I still can’t really take it seriously. Sorry, if that’s your scene but it’s not mine.

I finally visited a bath house. I hated it. The anonymity of it, the randomness, just stopping a guy in the hall to drop and suck him off (as did the guy I was there with) just icked me out completely. And when he and I finally retired to our room to suck and fuck, I apparently didn’t close or latch the door. As I opened my eyes to find 5 men watching my date suck my cock. I actually lost my erection. My date? Well he attacked those 3 of those 5 men like a starving piranha. I tried to engage in oral with one of them but it wasn’t happening. And I left. Leaving them to play, I dressed and went home. Never saw that guy again and went immediately for an HIV (and others) test.

Yes I know it was an over-reaction.

My second bath house experience was amazingly hot and amazingly disappointing. I met this guy, he was cute, younger than me, furry, an amazing ass. The sex was aggressive, there was biting, there was nibbling. Deep, deep kissing with major tongue action, it was amazing. I couldn’t get deep enough into him. I did something stupid, well he did it but I let him or didn’t stop him anyway. As we were kissing, he lifted himself up and slid down onto my cock – bareback. I hadn’t been bareback in a long, long time and it felt amazing. I didn’t stop him but continued to fuck in for about 2 hours more in multiple positions. He came 3 or 4 times. He had his own room, I had my own room. We were fucking in my room. He left to shower and that was the last I’d seen of him.

Never answered my calls, never returned emails, just vanished. As this was perhaps the best sex I’d ever had, I wanted to repeat it but I guess he was just looking for a one-off or for him it wasn’t that good. I will never know. And yes I did test immediately afterward as well, cleanly thankfully (and continue to be).

Next I met a married guy with an amazing ass. We were the same age, we’d had many of the same life experiences, he was looking for long-term thing with a guy. Wait though, he’s married, you say. Yes he was. And it turns out a bit messed up. The sex was good but we didn’t last. I couldn’t get past the married thing, I wanted him to leave he wouldn’t. I said I’m not doing this with a married guy, no more sneaking around, as I’ve done that and I’m done with it.

So we ended out relationship. A week later I met the spousal unit, who was meant to be a rebound fuck, a one-off. But something clicked. And clicked hard. If I thought the sex with bath-house boy was hot, it had nothing on the SU and I.

What I’ve found, through my long journey, though, is that I don’t’ really fit into the straight community, I don’t really fit into the gay community, at least not with the elements of it that I’ve met. I cannot be promiscuous. I hate to dance, dislike loud music, have no desire to fling myself wildly about a dance floor shirtless. I believe, it turns out, in monogamy. Do not really like to spend my time with drunk people. Still don’t like sports, except for how hot the guys look in their uniforms.

I really enjoy quiet evenings in, a game of cards around a table with my family, snuggling with the SU on the sofa or in bed. I enjoy walking on a beach holding his hand or picnicking with him late into the fall. My favourite picnic remains a very late fall picnic on the rocks at the beach with the wet spray splashing around us in the cold damp air. Feeding each other humus on pita and a sharp piece of cheese or slice of apple or orange, is an ideal moment.

So where do I belong? I belong with him and him with me, wherever we are, wherever we end up. My Arabian prince and I are together and I guess that is really all I need for now.

So why do I want to start this blog again, to get back to my original question? This has been a long and rambling post but I think I need a place to say some things that are on my mind, to have a place for a stream of consciousness vent, to have a place to discuss (even if it is with only myself) some issues that are on my mind. It will also be an exercise to improve my writing. I find that internet speak has severely disabled my written English word usage. And I need to nip that habit in the butt.

If you’ve made it this far, say hey, so I can thank you for reading this long and winding biography of a boring man. And y’all come back agin, y-hear.